Welcome December! Time for the holidays! I LOVE receiving & giving gifts, decorating, writing cards, baking, music, family, and friends! I LOVE the snow and having a white Christmas! I DISLIKE the anxiety that comes with it, the dark cloud that hovers over the shoppers and the rudeness of some of them, people who spend more they can afford, bad customer service because the rude people are rubbing off on others, driving in bad snow, and my own anxiety. From the end of November to mid January I want to lock myself inside my home and hibernate until the holidays have ended and then emerge into a new year & new world. Years ago, I wasn't like this.
Today I woke up with a panic attack. On top of that an asthma attack. They always seem to be worse in the morning, probably because my brain is trying to prepare me for the day. It's probably telling me, "Oh, so you want to go to work and be surrounded by people, and talk to strangers on the phone who will not always be pleasant, and drive on the road with idiot drivers, and get dressed in clothes that are not as comfortable as your sweats, and wonder if your car battery is dead, and wonder if people around you can tell if you've been crying, and have to explain to people who aren't going through what you are going through (because they can sense you're off) that it's not as easy as they think to get over it and get better, and wonder how you are going to fit in stuff you need to do at home once you get home because you know you'll just be too exhausted, and most likely miss an important personal call from your doctor or a business, and have to take almost every minute of your free time to call said doctors or businesses because they never called you back or called you back when you couldn't answer, and hope you will even get a hold of them because you know you won't be able to by your last break, and realize you forgot some paperwork (because you always do) that you need to reference on that phone call that was either missed or never received, and just generally feel crappy because of all the shit that has built up over the last few days, no weeks, or months, NO... years! Oh, HELL NO... NO NO NO NO NO! I am going to randomly give you excruciating pain that will make you think you are going to die, or are in the middle of a heart attack. Maybe I'll stop it after a few minutes, or a 1/2 hour, maybe longer. Once it's over, maybe I'll bring it back at some unexpected time when you least expect it and are feeling fine. In the mean time, worry about it coming back. Plus the rest of the time you aren't in pain, I'll just exhaust the heck out of you! On top of that I might also give you a migraine, asthma, and throw in a little (or a lot of) diarrhea."
Though I love this time of year, that dark cloud floats itself on over to me. I haven't been diagnosed with SAD and don't think that's what I have. I think it's safe to mention again that I never had these issues until I started showing signs of my failing thyroid. Yet every little, teeny-tiny, not a huge deal, thing that everyone else can just shrug off builds up an up until my body says, "Fuck that! I'm going to knock you out for a bit. Or at least try to."
The recent stupid things that have just made it worse? Let's see...
- Tried to place a cyber Monday order on a site for gifts because it was a pretty good deal & I was budgeting. Put the stuff in my basket, went to check out, thought I created an account and it ended up never going through.
- Lady on the phone last week screamed at me, "YOU'RE GOING TO HELL YOU BITCH!" for something completely out of my control. My response was a laugh (it just came out because her statement was so unexpected, though I felt bad for her) and then she hung up on me.
- Waiting in line at the doc office for 5 min for them to finish up with someone, and sign advises to stand back until called, so I was waiting and my friend sent me a text so I was reading it. A guy behind me walks right up to the window without being called in which I immediately stated I was next. Then he makes some off comment about why people don't text and drive in which I state I wasn't driving nor moving and how it's also rude to cut people off while driving & to read the sign posted, like driving. He then continues to "ride my ass" while I'm trying to check out of the office. I decide to make it a little longer by asking for documents to be printed off. (I really did need them anyway.) He makes some other off comment so I shoot him a nasty glance, and then advises he's just talking to himself. Mind you this guy was probably in his late 50's and was making the checkout longer by being this way. When I was done I called him a jerk to his face and left.
- Gift I ordered for my friend came broken.
- Credit card denied a big order and called me about it yesterday around 6pm. Then I wake up this morning to find ANOTHER alert after 11pm from them when I TOLD them I was placing more orders & through who.
- I'm in the right lane of 2 lanes of traffic and this old guy turns into our traffic from a side street and then instead of staying in the left lane cuts right in front of me when I'm going 45mph and he's just merging so I have to slam on my breaks and I had paperwork for my doctor appointment go all over the place in my car.
- I had another sinus infection and was put on a 3rd antibiotic of the year.
- Right at the end of my 3rd antibiotic I got the flu even, though I had my flu shot, and was put on my 4th antibiotic of the year.
- I've been trying to quickly adjust my med schedule to take it earlier in order to wake up earlier because my shift is supposed to be changing at work this weekend. Then I was told it is staying the same until February. Plus I don't think adjusting the time is helping how I feel overall.
- LTD is still denying my appeal (it has been over a year now that I am fighting this) because, apparently, at the point I'm at now it has to be done a different way where I now need to compile everything and send it in myself instead of send in the appeal and have my doctors send their information in separately. So I had a huge packet of paperwork sent in with new information (by me but not from my doctors, I stated that would come separately from them) and they sent it all back saying there wasn't any new information in it. Then it took over a week for the guy to call me back giving me the specifics on how it had to be done & why it was all sent back. Now I have to contact all these doctors back... again... and have them send the info right to me. Plus request a copy of all the stuff they have on file already to make sure I'm not sending duplicates.
- Parents are messaging me asking what I ordered from my cell phone service because they got something saying I ordered something from them. I see this as soon as I wake up so it puts a huge stress on me so I call them. I ask them what the date is on it because I did ask the company to send me a receipt from way back when I initially purchased my phone as I never received it in the 1st place. They had already e-mailed it to my personal e-mail. It was that receipt.
- Knew this stress was getting to me so tried to make an appointment with my doc office to have a med adjustment & they couldn't get me in until next Tuesday. Thought I would miss work so I rescheduled for my day off on Thursday and until then I am just going to self-medicate myself and hope that it keeps me stable so I can go back to work tomorrow and be fine until I can go in then.
- Had to call another doctor office because I asked them for a follow up appointment and they said they'd call me back and it was 2 weeks since then.
- Had my endocrinologist say I'm now pre-diabetic and they now want to test me for that though I'm losing weight and eating better.
- Had my endocrinologist tell me, "Good news! Your thyroid levels are in range." When I looked at my levels and my TSH was 0.42. The "standard" range is 0.40-4.50. Why am I on/off hyperthyroid symptomatic then? Not "good enough" news for me.
Of course, there's other things I just can't think of. And a lot of these things are petty, or work/have worked themselves out,but my brain and body just wants to shut down now once it gets to a certain point.
Thyroid issues cause the best of both worlds, mental and physical issues. Huffington Post posted a short article with the cartoon below (click on it to go to the article) that asks the question, "What if people treated physical illness like mental illness?" It links to the CDC where that states, "Only 25% of adults with mental health symptoms believed that people are caring and sympathetic to persons with mental illness." I'm sorry to say that I don't believe the majority of people are caring or sympathetic. Mostly because I don't think people understand the vast majority of symptoms and diagnosis that are involved, so the majority of people think those with mental illnesses are just plain bat shit crazy. There's a LOT more to it.
I don't really know where I'm trying to go with this post. I just felt like writing and complaining, and being a basket case today, while curled up under a blanket on my couch, re-watching the season premier of Mob Wives, napping the rest of the time, and wishing I could have the strength to pull myself together and make it out the door for a productive day. Maybe that day will be tomorrow.